{p.s.}

It's been nagging at me, my last post.  I think what I meant to say is... I wish there were some kind of sign I could hang so people understand that it's me, not them. I have screwed up playdates and birthday party invitations because I'm forgetful and distracted.  I am quite sure there are several moms in my neighborhood who think I'm a complete idiot.  But they don't know. And how do you tell them? What kind of conversation is that?

I have an overwhelming need to be at home. I don't feel like cooking. I'm tired. I'm tending to my family and new puppy and that takes it all out of me. And pretending anything else feels fake.

And at the same time, I don't want to burden everyone with our loss. I don't want to be defined as 'the crazy lady with the cord-strangled-stillborn.' I know two years have passed. I feel it.  I see two year olds and my heart hurts. I see my girls growing older and know that once my littlest goes to kindergarten, that's it. No more toddlers. 

It's dark in here.  I am working with a counselor and taking medication to help with the lows.  I practice yoga.  I am eating clean and intentionally.  We keep busy. I recently finished the playroom and the girls are thrilled with their new, productive space. I pray, but I can't go to church yet. I weep so uncontrollably that it is very uncomfortable for me and those around me.  The doctor's office terrifies me. The thought of being in a gown and being on a table paralyzes me with grief and trauma. My mind and body instantly flash back.  I can't look at ultrasound photos or even think about them without welling up.  I can't even go to the dentist.  It's too sterile and hospital-like.

Maybe writing about it is good. 

Today is Sunday. It will be beautiful and cool, a wonderful late summer treat. We might take the girls to the zoo. One day at a time, I tell you. 

{ july }

We got the puppy. 

She is a good baby girl. That is to say, she has a wonderful puppy temperament, even if it means getting up at 4:30 am.  She is patient and sweet with the girls, and needs just the right amount of attention. Lottie has plenty of personality and is quite vocal, emitting baby chewbacca sounds that make me giggle. Her fur is soft and downy and her tongue is like velvet.  

And she has giant paws. Gulp.  Lottie isn't going to be little for that long. 

But, OH, that FACE.  I melt.

(and she just peed on the floor. damn.)

-------

July is a struggle for me. It always will be. I take it day by day. And most days, hour by hour. I know that others have forgotten...or they don't realize that the anticipation of that nightmare's anniversary has been eating away at me for weeks already. Or how it effects everyday life.

There is a scorching pain in my chest that climbs into my throat and threatens to creep out of my eyes in a flood of tears pretty much every day. It takes a lot of energy and breathing to keep ahead of it.  

Especially with three girls ...and a puppy.

Exhale. 

{ summertime }

This summer is flying by.  It's been jam-packed with dance classes for all three girls, recitals, a birthday, swim classes and a a couple trips.  And that was just June. 

We got back from a long-anticipated annual trip to Captiva Island, Florida, on Saturday night.  After eight loads of laundry washed, folded and put away, and an open calendar for July, you'd think I'd be ready to relax.  Sure. 

Oh no...  On Friday we are getting a puppy.  An 8wk old goldendoodle from a breeder in Joplin.  We are so excited.  

Another fun thing about July is that I've been asked to contribute over at habit.  I'm looking forward to taking time each day to reflect and use my big old camera for more than special occasions.   See you there!  (I'm guessing there might be a few puppy photos.  Just saying.)

Thanks for stopping by.  I haven't posted over here in forever.  Last September, it looks like.  I suppose now would be a good reason to start up again.  It feels good.  

xo