{ breathing }

We've had the most unusual winter weather this January in Kansas City.  Today was a glorious mid-60s sunshiny treat and I took the littlest out to the park for a bit.  I thought she could use the fresh air and exercise and, selfishly, that some extra running about would mean a long cozy nap for both of us.

I haven't been back to the memorial garden in months, but it was a good stop today.  January has been a difficult month for me, it being exactly a year now since we learned we were pregnant.  

This month brings up the reminders of all my initial feelings and astsonishment and surprise... how one year from now we would have gone through the craze of yet another holiday season and have a little baby in the nursery again.  I had so many worries that I still feel terrible about, things I know I should chalk up to hormones and stress and for which I should forgive myself, but I will carry with me anyway. All I have are memories.  They haunt me all the time.

2011 was one Hell of a roller coaster for me.  I feel like I just got off and still want to throw up.

And in the spirit of honesty and in a sort of sisterhood -- as so many of my friends are bravely putting themselves Out There -- I will not sugar coat it.

Today, I thought it would be good for her to get outside.  But it was I who needed the fresh air.

Comments

[Jodie]

Oh gosh I wish there were words to make it a even just a little bit easier, hang in there.

[Sarah :: greenclogs]

I love you, lady. Each day is a new day. xoxo

[Katie]

I love you, dear friend.

[Alicia A.]

Much love to you, sweetie.

[Danielle Cee]

Thinking of you often & sending you lots of love & light while you twist & turn your way along this unknown road xoxox

[stacy]

be gentle with yourself. you & that sweet family are frequently in my thoughts. xo.

[Sarah]

Be sure to travel through each day at a pace that is right for you.
yes, be gentle with yourself. Sending you warm thoughts always.

[erin]

sending hugs. xo.

[beki]

Big hugs.

[Jade]

I love you/

[Heather]

So many hugs sent your way. It never gets easier, but it may get a little less hard.

[jane]

Thinking of you!

[Lasso the Moon]

Just spent a moment in prayer for you. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. I'm praying this year brings you comfort, healing, and joy.
Anna

[amy h]

Please don't be hard on yourself. When you get to as many girls in the house as you and I have, the idea of adding another one would of course be a little bit stressy, especially under the influence of hormones. I was one messed up lady when I found out Margot was on the way, and then when they thought she had major birth defects, I felt really bad about that. These things make no sense. Be kind to yourself. I'm glad the weather is letting you get out and breathe a little.

[kriste]

((hugs)) and prayers. thinking of you!

[Tracy]

I so appreciate your sharing. I hope you can forgive yourself but I am sure there is truly nothing to forgive. I am so sorry. I have mentioned before that I was due a few weeks before you but lost my baby my baby girl much earlier. It has been so so hard- I can't imagine what you go through. Praying for peace for you.

[Dianne in the Hudson Valley]

Glad you're back. Be kind to yourself. And thank you for being honest.

[Car Insurance for Teens]

I wish there were words to make it a even just a little bit easier, hang in there. Just spent a moment in prayer for you. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. I'm praying this year brings you comfort, healing, and joy.

[Patty Boyd]

Sunshine and fresh air are good for the soul. May you have lots of days that are full of sunshine and spending time outside. I hope 2012 is a year for healing. Blessings, Patty

[Cathy]

I don't know but I think about you often. I hope you can find some peace this year.

[Dalai Lina]

I love the pictures, I love your heart. I love you!!!

[Liz]

Oh Chris, thank you for being so honest about your feelings. My thoughts are with you...