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Bridge at the butterfly garden

I have good days and bad days.  By good, it means I've had a day with few tears and plenty of smiles.  I see people and talk to friends and feel productive.  Meals are cooked and laundry is done and I check things off the to do list.

On other days I turn inward and it's not pretty.  The rest of the world has continued on with life and mine is forever changed.  I haven't yet figured out what the days are supposed to feel like. 

It's tempting to curl up in a ball under the sheets and just let it out.  I journal a lot.  I cry a lot. 

fall light

Today I went to visit the children's memorial butterfly garden for some quiet.  It was 70 degrees and sunny, a gorgeous fall day. Darcy's brick was installed a couple weeks ago.  It rests on a brick path surrounded by trees and native plants, just past a vine-covered arbor. It is a beautiful spot.

I sat on a bench and listened to the waterfall.  There were families playing at the nearby playground. The sound was bittersweet.

Comments

erin

hugging you from afar. xo.

Sarah :: greenclogs

hello friend. I miss you and am sending lots of hugs.

Gina

Hugs. Wish I was there to ride this roller coaster with you. I'm there from here. Sounds like you're doing exactly what you need to be doing. It's ok to be sad and introspective. Eventually those bad days will start coming fewer and farther between, and when they do show up, you'll know there's a better day right around the corner. xoxo

Sarah

You're in my prayer list. I hope for gentler days for you xo.

Tracy

I think of you every day. Like the poster above me, I hope for more and more gentler days for you.

jen v

i wish i had the power to make it stop hurting.
xoxo

Tif

You don't know me, but I have followed your blog for awhile. I have buried 3 of my babies too soon, most recently in March of this year. My heart goes out to you and you and your family are in our prayers. I know all too well how it is to see everyone's lives moving on and realizing that yours has got to also, but not quite knowing how to be ok with that, how to make it happen without feeling like you're betraying your little one, or leaving them behind. I am so sorry that you are having to experience this heartache (((hugs)))

Rhonda

I have followed your blog for a while and my heart is breaking for you. Sending you much love from Texas...

Ali

Hello Chris. I don't know how things are supposed to be, but you are feeling, and I think that's probably a good thing.
We have so little real control over the way life unfolds, but to be able to feel it and respond with honesty and sincerity is a gift. I am thinking of you.

Heather

Hugs, Chris. No words can express what you are experiencing. I have watched several friends travel this same path, and it truly sucks. I am so sorry.

beki

i love you

Dalai Lina

That is such a pretty picture.

Andrea

Hello Chris.

A monarch butterfly flew over my deck at the weekend and I said a prayer for you and Darcy Jaye, I look at butterflies in a different light now (I think of them as blessings now and give thanks whenever I see one).

Thank you for sharing the garden with us, and your journey too.
Hugs.

Maryanne

I am sorry again for your loss.
I felt similar feelings after my Mom passed away. She was 48 and I was 28. The world kept going with their happiness and I felt trapped in my sadness.
I wish you peace and comfort.

Aimee Balch

Though we haven't met I am thinking of you and saying prayers. I admire your courage. Hugs and prayers to you from South Carolina.

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