We've had the most unusual winter weather this January in Kansas City. Today was a glorious mid-60s sunshiny treat and I took the littlest out to the park for a bit. I thought she could use the fresh air and exercise and, selfishly, that some extra running about would mean a long cozy nap for both of us.
I haven't been back to the memorial garden in months, but it was a good stop today. January has been a difficult month for me, it being exactly a year now since we learned we were pregnant.
This month brings up the reminders of all my initial feelings and astsonishment and surprise... how one year from now we would have gone through the craze of yet another holiday season and have a little baby in the nursery again. I had so many worries that I still feel terrible about, things I know I should chalk up to hormones and stress and for which I should forgive myself, but I will carry with me anyway. All I have are memories. They haunt me all the time.
2011 was one Hell of a roller coaster for me. I feel like I just got off and still want to throw up.
And in the spirit of honesty and in a sort of sisterhood -- as so many of my friends are bravely putting themselves Out There -- I will not sugar coat it.
Today, I thought it would be good for her to get outside. But it was I who needed the fresh air.