{ happy } two
{ love } the healing quilt

{ missing } Darcy Jaye

This is a hard post to write. And it may be hard to read.  But I am at home today for the first time with all of my girls at school and I find myself alone.  Thinking.  Consumed and obsessed with needing to get this out and, at the very least, document this critical time for me and my family.

Just six weeks shy of our due date, heavy and miserable in the midwestern 100+ heat, I rolled over in bed one night and noticed someone didn't readjust herself with a few stretches and kicks in her little 'geez, momma, I was all comfy and now you flipped me over,' way like she usually did. 

And for the first time in 4 pregnancies, I got nervous. 

I got up and ate a spoonful of nutella.  Nothing.  Orange Juice.  Nothing.

What followed was a nightmarish visit to the hospital at 3am, panicked nurses and an ultrasound that revealed to parents their greatest fear.  No heartbeat.  At that point I lost it in a fit of what can only be described as primal screaming and sobbing. We had lost our baby girl with no warning.  Nothing.  Just the day before she had played with her sisters, kicking and punching them back as they tickled and poked at my belly.  She had danced a little jig with my morning half-caff coffee.  She stuck her little bottom up and out so I could really feel it with my palm.  She was head down and strong.

And then a stupid knot in her cord -- a knot no one knew about, and couldn't have --just got too tight.  And just like that, in one horrible accident, she was gone. 

I am not going to horrify you with the details of inducing a stillbirth when your cervix is not ready.  Or driving to the hospital with your husband knowing and not knowing what the next 24 hours will hold for you. She was born at nearly 5 pounds, with chubby pink cheeks and long fingers like her littlest big sister.  Short fuzzy blond hair and a button nose.  A perfect little angel taken much too soon.

I will tell you that the care and compassion that we were blessed to receive is beyond anything that we could have ever imagined. That the hospital staff at St Luke's provided the most gentle and respectful care imaginable. That my doctor showed such strength of character that I'd take her in to battle with me.  That my nurses grieved and prayed and struggled right along with us.  That our friends and family and total strangers stepped in as living, breathing, examples of true Grace and lifted us. 

It is during a tragedy like this when you see the beauty and generosity of the human heart and it is humbling.  We have not felt alone. We don't have anger.  Our hearts are heavy.  Explaining to a five year old that her baby sister is in Heaven isn't easy.  Getting back to school, emptying the dishwasher and doing laundry seem mundane and necessary and impossible all at the same time. 

We held a beautiful memorial service at our church and asked that no one wear black.  My daughters and I all wore white and the sanctuary was full of pinks and purples and blues and corals and light.  It was a 6:30pm service and the sun was beginning its descent through giant stained glass windows.  My amazing husband got up and poured his heart out in a beautiful message to our littlest lost daughter.  I don't know how he did that, but I love him even more now than I ever thought I could.

We sang 'On Eagle's Wings' and 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow', which is a song he has always sung to his little girls at night.

After the service, we asked everyone to join us on the hill above the church for a butterfly release.  There were a lot of children and it was wonderful.  We released 60 monarch and painted lady butterflies.  There were children everywhere -- trying to catch them, trying to release them, chasing after them.  It was a beautiful sight.  The day had been thundery and dark, but for that evening it had cooled.  The sky was turning pinkish and was glowing with that 7:30 glow that is happening this time of year.  Surrounded by family and friends and butterflies on that beautiful night, I felt a genuine Peace.  We all did.

Photo
(photo: Gina Ellerbee)

Darcy-program
And now I sit.  My body is recovering from childbirth, but my heart is broken. I struggled with whether to post about Darcy, but I had to.  I have celebrated all of my girls here in this strange public journalish space.  My littlest deserves that, too.  We held our precious angel for 3 hours and kissed her fingers and toes and forehead and button nose.  She was beautiful and ours.  And someday I will hold her again.

Until then, we are comforted knowing that we have our own angel waiting for us. 

Comments

Rachel

I am sorry for the loss of your precious girl. I am saying a prayer for you and your family.

Candace

Chris,

I think about you often. I cannot even imagine what you are going though. Know that my heart goes out to you. I really wish that I could do something for you. You are beautiful & amazing & I really admire you.

erica

Of course I don’t know you and most likely will never have the pleasure of meeting you but my heart is with you. I will pray for you and the sweet little Darcy who is most definitely in the arms of our Heavenly Father and being held very tight.

Leslie Horn

I'm so sorry to hear this heartbreaking story about your beautiful baby. What heartache and loss you must feel, and as readers, we wish we could take it away and help you feel comfort and peace. I hope that you can find it with your husband and family and those around you, lifting you up. God bless you. You will see Darcy one day, I know that for sure. And it will be glorious!

Kim

Have never commented before, but as I sit with tears in my eyes, I feel compelled to now. My heart goes out to you. May peace be yours.

Mary

I am so sorry for your loss. <3

Kim

I am so heart broken for you and your family. If you need to talk, please feel free to email me. my daughter has been gone for almost 8 years. It is a heartbreak you never forget or completely heal from. I pray for strength and peace to your hearts and souls.

Wendy Simmons

I am so sorry for your loss. what a beautiful sharing with us. I am praying for you and your family.

Wendy

mrs d

Hugs to you and your family... lots of strength and hugs.

mary

Chris, I so very sorry.

april

I don't know you, but as a mother, my heart is aching for you. I hope you find peace in the faces of your children and respit in the arms of your husband.

God bless.

Tracy

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. I want to thank you for sharing this on the blog. Just last night I read a similar story at Joy's Hope (http://www.joyshope.com/2008/10/whats-in-name.html). Your stories are so difficult to read but your willingness to share will certainly help someone else. There were many times over the past few months that I have been unable to read your blog due to my own recent loss of my baby. I so wish that this did not happen to you or anyone else. I hope you know that you are not alone.

nicole

i am so sorry for your loss. thank you for sharing.

Natalie

Oh, I am so, so, so sorry. I hurt for you and I am sending prayers and hugs. What a perfect and beautiful scripture you shared. You WILL be with her again, but I am SO sorry for the tremendous hurt now.

Jessica M

Your family will be in my prayers.

embracingitall

Much love to you and your family at this time. Sounds like Darcy chose a beautiful and loving family. I'm so sorry she only stayed for such a short time. Jacinta

jessie

I'm thinking of you every day, sweet friend.

Andrea

Dear Chris,
so sorry for your loss, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

celeste

tears and heartache for you. your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

Shannon Woodruff

Oh Miss Chris. Had tears running down my face for you last night as I read this. As my 3 girls played together. I ached with the thought of not knowing each and every one of their sweet sassy little selves. My heart hurts for you and this journey you've got to take. Be strong. And be sad. And remember to be happy, too. xoxo- Shannon

krista

I'm so, so sorry :( This is every parent's worst nightmare, and I can't even imagine how much pain you are going through. Big hugs to you.

marcie

How incredibly heartbreaking. So sorry for your loss. May God be with you and your family.

Laura

Oh, Chris. I can't even imagine. I am so sorry. This is a beautiful post - she and all your girls are obviously very, very loved.

Pat Sieler

Through your blog I ave learned about your family and loved your beautiful girls. I mourn with you, as a stranger, but still the caring is there for you and your family.
May God hold you carefully in His hands,

Angie

Chris, I am so so sorry. Praying for your family.

Tammy

Warm hugs to you and your family. I will be praying for strength and comfort for you all.

UK lass in US

Ah, goodness, I'm so very sorry for your loss. My heart is broken for you.

Betsy

I am so so sorry.

Erica

God bless you and your family! So sorry for your loss....my heart aches for you.

kriste

My heart breaks for you every time I think of you and your sweet little one who you didn't get the chance to know. Please know my prayers are with you and your family. (((Hugs))

amy

i'm so very sorry... so very very sorry... may your faith bring you some stength

Nikki

I know from experience that there are no words to make this ok. I am so very sad for you.

Rhonda

I am so very sorry for your loss. I have been praying for you and for your family, that you may be comforted during this difficult time. Your angel will touch more people than you could imagine. All mothers everywhere are weeping with you.

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I love flower..Flower is the symbol of peace and happiness..This story is interesting..I love this..

Mary Davis

Chris I cried as I read your beautifully written tribute to your little angel. I know that writing things down helps heal. God will bless you and your family with comfort and compassion in this sad time. Everything in life has a purpose and we may never know why but we must have faith Love Mary Davis

marieke

Your post had me weeping and I can only imagine the pain you and your family are going through. Strength to you all.

katie

so sorry for your loss. i know that families are forever & hope you will take strength in the simple and sweet comfort that brings. best of luck to you & yours.

andrea

I am so sorry. I have checked your blog here and there & just came to this post. I am going through a high risk pregnancy right now & have been worrying a lot lately. I know you will get to hold her someday, & I am so deeply sorry you've had to go through this. It is so hard to understand why these things happen. Prayers and thoughts for you & your darling family.

Karla

Even knowing this in advance from our flickr conversation, I have still felt such sadness for you and yours reading this. Crying and trying to imagine how scared and lost you must have felt. I am so sorry. So so very sory that you have experienced this and lost what would have been a wonderful addition to your sweet family of girls. I have thought of you often over this last week and kept you in my prayers.
We played the same song at my grandmothers funeral 'somewhere over the rainbow' 10 years on it still brings tears to my eyes and yet I love the song so very much.
Thinking of you its all I can see and this will be a long journey for you as it was for me and was not as tragic as this. Take your time, grieve as you must and write in this space only when you feel like it.

Mariëtte

Someday you will hold her again, smiling. Strength and comfort to you all.

Tina

Chris, after read your post, all I could think to do was wake my kids up from their naps a few minutes early because I couldn't wait to hug them. It breaks my heart that you won't be able to do that with your sweet baby. Please know that you're in the thoughts and prayers of so many people.

Darcy

Just so sad for you and your family, sending you love and prayers for strength and healing.

dandy

There are no words.

Sending you love and peace.

Molly

I am praying that Jesus will continue to pour out His peace and comfort to you and your family. Thank you for sharing about Darcy Jaye.

Julie Magallanes

Chris,
You don't know me but I have followed your blog for a while now. I am deeply saddened at your loss and will pray for peace and healing for you and your family. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope in some way it helped you also, to write about it. When the time is right, please visit www.joyshope.com and read "joys story", this is a blog I follow and she has a similar story to your's. Saying many prayers for you. Xoxo

Lael

Tears falling for you; my circumstances were different, though sadly similar. First baby, no kidneys dicovered at 20 weeks. Bliss and then verything changed. This was almost 9 years ago. Wish I could be there in person to comfort you; I found that those women who had loved and lost really really were the ones who understood.

Maryanne

So sorry for your loss. You wrote a beautiful tribute to your daughter.

Annalia

That was so sad and so beautiful at the same time. It's both good and painful that life continues...especially for mothers, who don't really have the luxury of retreating into their grief. Instead, you get those unexpected moments, when thoughts of your lost one surprise you and bring out all the grief you've been holding inside.
Driving in the car alone was always the worst for me when I lost my sister.
You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Cathy

How heartbreaking, I'm very sorry for your loss.

Leigh Anne

I stopped by here from a link on MADE for your Village Frock and read your post.....(((HUGS))) to you and your family. Your words were beautiful and I pray for strength & peace for you all. My heart aches for you. Sending Blessings & prayers from Texas :)

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